Why Should We Ask for Angela When You Don’t Have to Ask for Alex?

By ElsaMarie D’Silva
MUMBAI, India, Aug 7 2025 – It’s a quiet code with a loud message: “Ask for Angela.”

In bars and clubs across the UK, women have been informed to discreetly use this phrase if they feel unsafe – a signal to staff that they need help escaping a situation with a man that could escalate. It is a clever, compassionate intervention that has been adopted widely. But during a recent trip to the UK to share my work on making public spaces safer for women, I noticed something odd. Many men proudly brought up this initiative as proof that progress was being made. And I could not help but think: Why should women have to ask for Angela, when men never have to ask for Alex?

This isn’t just about a phrase. It’s about who we expect to carry the burden of safety. Why is it normal for women to strategize for survival, while men are congratulated for simply not being a threat?

But their very existence also reveals a deeper, more disturbing truth: we have normalized unsafe spaces for women and marginalized genders. Instead of asking how to help women escape, shouldn’t we be questioning why these dangers persist at all?

Initiatives like “Ask for Angela” are well-intentioned and essential. They provide immediate recourse in environments where harm can unfold in seconds. But their very existence also reveals a deeper, more disturbing truth: we have normalized unsafe spaces for women and marginalized genders. Instead of asking how to help women escape, shouldn’t we be questioning why these dangers persist at all?

We need to stop placing the burden of safety on women.

We have built a culture that rewards men for not being the problem, instead of challenging them to become part of the solution. Misogynistic jokes, casual harassment, controlling behavior – these are still seen as harmless by many. Worse, they often go unchallenged in friend groups, sports locker rooms, workplaces, and even political circles. If we want change, men must be active disruptors of these norms, not passive bystanders.

There is a growing recognition that this must change. The Mayor of London’s “Maaate” campaign, launched in March 2022, is a brilliant example. It speaks directly to men using humour and familiarity, the way you might call out a mate at the pub.

The campaign uses short videos showing everyday scenarios where inappropriate behaviour begins to cross the line, encouraging men to step in early. No finger-wagging. Just an honest reminder that silence is complicity. It ran across social media, the Transport for London network, and men’s sports platforms to reach its intended audience where they already are.

Similarly, Women’s Aid’s haunting “He’s Coming Home” ad, released during the 2022 FIFA World Cup, flips the beloved chant into a chilling reminder: for many women, major football tournaments coincide with spikes in domestic abuse.

The short film shows a woman’s growing anxiety as her partner returns home, juxtaposed with the rising cheer of fans watching the match. It was part of a broader awareness campaign that reached millions on digital and television platforms. These campaigns succeed because they do what society has long avoided: they make men look inward, not just outward.

So how do we stop asking for Angela?

We start by making misogyny socially unacceptable. The culture of sexist banter, objectifying language, and dismissive attitudes toward women’s discomfort must lose its currency. Imagine a world where laughing at a rape joke did not make you more popular, but made everyone step away from you at a party.

That’s the kind of peer pressure we need. Cultural norms are shaped by what people around us accept and reject. If you want to create safer spaces, start by making harmful behavior embarrassing, not entertaining.

Second, we must invest in prevention, not just protection. Interventions like “Ask for Angela” are crucial safety nets. But we also need to stop people from falling in the first place.

That means shifting attitudes through comprehensive education in schools, workplace training, accountability in leadership, and media that portrays healthy masculinity. It also means funding programs that foster empathy, emotional intelligence, and non-violent conflict resolution from an early age.

Third, we need to engage men early, often, and consistently. Boys are not born violent or entitled. But they grow up steeped in messages about dominance, control, and silence. If we don’t challenge these narratives, they become habits.

Creating safe spaces for men to reflect, unlearn, and relearn is critical. This isn’t about shaming men. It is about empowering them to step into a new kind of leadership: one based on respect, not power.

We also need to normalize “calling in” rather than “calling out.” The goal isn’t to cancel, it is to educate and shift behavior. When a friend says something inappropriate, it should be natural to say, “Maaate, that’s not on,” instead of letting it slide. Men listen to other men. So, we need more of them using their influence in private moments, not just performative posts online.

To be sure, safety codes are lifelines. And until we eliminate violence altogether, they will remain necessary. But our goal should be a world where women don’t have to code-switch for survival, where they can dance, date, drink, and dream without calculating exit routes.

So next time someone praises “Ask for Angela,” ask this: What are we doing to ensure no one has to ask at all?

It is time to stop applauding the lifeboats and start building ships that don’t leak in the first place.

ElsaMarie D’Silva is the Founder of Red Dot Foundation and creator of Safecity, a global platform that crowdsources data on gender-based violence to inform safer cities. She is an Aspen New Voices Fellow, Yale World Fellow and a Visiting Fellow at the Centre for Protecting Women Online, Open University UK.