COMMENTARY: Trump National Monument at Mount Rushmore

By Peter Costantini
SEATTLE, USA, Jul 28 2025 – President Donald Trump reportedly wants to add his own head to Mount Rushmore National Memorial. But the National Park Service says there’s no room next to the four current presidents: George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln and Theodore Roosevelt. [Branch & White 6/27/2025] Here’s an innovative proposal for how to immortalize him right there in the Black Hills of South Dakota.

On the backside of the same rocky bluff where the monument is located, the President will unveil a full-body statue of himself. His combover is made of gold-plated carbon fiber that scintillates in the breeze. He bestrides an imposing masonry wall fronted by a moat filled with alligators and poisonous snakes, an idea that he purportedly floated during his first term. [Shear & Davis 10/2/2019]

The statue is as dynamic as its subject. Starting at dawn, Trump’s nose gradually grows out all day into a long, Pinocchio-like proboscis.

The soundtrack features the greatest hits from the President’s vast playlist of falsehoods – the Washington Post counted 30,573 false or misleading claims over his first term, around 20 per day. [Kessler et al 1/24/2021]. And veteran White House correspondent Peter Baker has analyzed them extensively in the New York Times. [Baker 2/23/2025] The nose grows proportionately to the magnitude and creativity of each whopper. Then it retracts at night.

The grand finale comes at sundown, when the President’s pants suddenly catch fire. In honor of his “Drill, Baby, Drill” energy policy, we’re not talking an LED or laser light show here. This has got to be something with a respectable carbon footprint, like methane. The blaze illuminates the whole monument and can be seen from outer space.

At this point, you may be wondering whether the President would embrace this sort of monument to his mendacity. Well, don’t underestimate his passion for inspired grifting (for example, see his pardon of Steve Bannon). [Costantini 10/4/2021]

As one pundit put it: “His superpower is his shamelessness.” [The 11th Hour 5/22/2025] The President once notoriously joked that “I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody, and I wouldn’t lose any voters, OK?” [Dwyer 1/23/2016]

The Supreme Court later backed his boast with a king-size get-our-of-jail-free card in Trump v. United States, in which it ruled that presidents are immune from criminal prosecution for official acts taken while in office. [Congressional Research Office 7/5/2024]

Why would he not take equal pride in his ability to pull the most brazen prevarications out of his ample posterior and watch some of his base worship them as gospel, while others just revel in “owning the libs”.

Don’t miss the other entertaining features. Every couple of hours during the day, one of Trump’s arms extends out, the palm of his massive hand facing upward. A drone tricked out as a model of his new Air Force One 747 lands on it like a falcon, accompanied by fireworks and martial music. Look! The plane has a new name emblazoned on it: “The Emperor of Emoluments”!

At alternate hours, Trump’s other arm rises up with the palm facing down, sporting a gold-plated ring with giant zirconium jewels. Actors impersonating public figures approach, kiss the ring, and tell him their troubles.

He agrees to help, adding: “I’d like you to do me a favor, though.” Somber music from The Godfather amps up the gravitas. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, visitors can ask for pardons and other favors on a cell-phone app. An AI Trump entity reads the petitions and responds with appropriate noblesse oblige or scorn. But if he asks if you’re a public employee, beware: if you say “Yes”, his favorite reply is “You’re fired.”

Below the statue, a small herd of human heads on toad bodies greets visitors. These are talking robots representing Trump’s toadies: cabinet members, advisors, political allies, business partners, even tech bros. They sing extravagant praises of the President with quotes from his North Korea-style cabinet meetings. One group asks guests to sign a petition to award the President the Nobel Peace Prize. [CNN 7/7/2025]

On some evenings the lighting changes, and Trump’s statue is costumed as Czar Donald the Impaler. If you’re very lucky, you may catch a glimpse of a shadowy Stephen Miller whispering in his ear, cosplaying in monk drag as his Mini-Rasputin. He’s just a hologram, too.

However, someone did recruit a special force of live ICE agents who roam the monument in plain-clothes packs. As long as you don’t “look foreign”, you have nothing to fear from them. If you do “look foreign”, you could win an all-expenses-paid open-ended vacation to El Salvador or South Sudan.

Looking for fun for the kids? Saddle up for an immigration rodeo. Holograms of immigrant families climb over the wall and try to cross the moat.

Players mounted on robot horses can “shoot them in the legs” with laser tags, as Trump suggested, and then herd them into two virtual concentration camps bristling with razor wire: one for kids, one for parents. [Shear & Davis 10/2/2019]

The more families you separate, the more points you earn. You can also bump your score up by denying the captives water or medical care. Then you can use your accumulated points to score Trump merch like golden watches, golden sneakers, and Holy Bibles.

But the fun is not just for kids. For adult fans of Trumponomics, there’s the Tariff Shoot. Who knew that tariffs are not really economic policies? As Trump has demonstrated, they are weapons you can use to blast countries you just don’t like.

For example, even though virtually no fentanyl enters the U.S. through Canada, the Big Guy has imposed crippling tariffs on our northern neighbor until they end all fentanyl smuggling. [Zahn 7/11/2025] The Tariff Shoot turns this boring trade tool into a dope game.

You shoot virtual tariff arrows from an electronic bow at a rotating holographic globe. When you hit a country, your game controller shows what goods you can put tariffs on and how much you can raise prices. You can also loot mineral rights and expropriate territory for your own private virtual country.

If you bankrupt a country, you can acquire outright ownership. Then at the end, you receive your winnings in Trump-backed cryptocurrency tokens. Best of all, if you hit the capital of a country, say Ottawa or Mexico City, you win a kewpie doll of Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney or Mexican President Claudia Sheinbaum.

And then there are other kinds of fun after the sun goes down. Away from the plebeian hurly-burly, there’s a secret part of the Trump monument open only to very rich men. It’s concealed behind a stone door located somewhere on a neighboring bluff. You have to buy the GPS coordinates and entry codes for a price starting well over seven figures.

And security? Let’s just say word on the Dark Web is that Erik Prince’s mercenaries enforce the non-disclosure agreement. Once you find it and enter the codes, the hidden door opens briefly and then slams shut behind you with a metallic clang. You’ve just gained entry into a virtual re-creation of Jeffrey Epstein’s private island. We’ll leave the rest to your imagination. But hey, big spender, not to worry. Counsel advises that it is not legally possible for holograms to be underage.

As magnificent as it will be, the Trump Monument at Mount Rushmore is just the opening play. It will serve as the spearhead of a much broader blitzkrieg to disrupt Big Park. A revamped DOGE will be called in to root out inefficiencies and corruption from national parks and monuments and finally to sell them off to private equity.

Plans are hatching to redevelop the tired old presidential faces. Move over, El Capitan: imagine rock climbing up Honest Abe’s nose. Join the kids hurtling down the bomb water slide in the gap between OG Washington and TJeff. And Trump’s real estate hounds are sniffing out a site to build a 50-story hotel on top of one of the surrounding bluffs.

Picture the majestic Trump Golden Calf Resort and Casino, featuring crossover themes from the Old West and the Old Testament. It will enforce the signature Trump policy of pay-to-play: if you want access to the premium features of the Trump Monument, why wouldn’t you want to stay at the premium lodging on-site?

And did someone mention links? If you’re looking for Trump-class golfing during your stay, plans are afoot to turn a nearby patch of the Black Hills into valleys full of putting greens.

Some may call it tacky totalitarianism, but the markets are jonesing at the prospect of an Orlando of the Prairies.

A final word to the wise: President Trump will decree that birthright citizenship does not apply on the grounds of his national monument. So don’t forget to bring birth certificates for the whole family. And for their moms.

See also

Peter Baker. “Trump Uses Lies to Lay the Groundwork for Radical Change”. New York Times, February 23, 2025.
https://nytimes.com/2025/02/23/us/politics/trump-alternative-reality.html

Peter Baker. “Trump’s Wild Claims, Conspiracies and Falsehoods Redefine Presidential Bounds”. November 3, 2024.
https://nytimes.com/2025/02/23/us/politics/trump-alternative-reality.html

Congressional Research Office. “Presidential Immunity from Criminal Prosecution in Trump v. United States”. Washington, DC: July 5, 2024.
https://congress.gov/crs_external_products/LSB/PDF/LSB11194/LSB11194.2.pdf

Peter Costantini. “The Roadrunner and the Wall”. Ciudad de México: Americas Migration, October 4, 2021.
https://americasmigration.blogspot.com/2021/10/the-roadrunner-and-wall.html

John Branch & Jeremy White. “Room for One More on Mount Rushmore? (The President Wants to Know.)”. New York Times, June 27, 2025.
https://nytimes.com/interactive/2025/06/27/us/mount-rushmore-trump.html

CNN. “’It’s a great honor’: Trump receives Nobel Peace Prize nomination from Netanyahu”. CNN Politics, July 7, 2025.
https://cnn.com/2025/07/07/politics/video/trump-netanyahu-nobel-nomination-letter-digvid

Colin Dwyer. “Donald Trump: ‘I Could … Shoot Somebody, And I Wouldn’t Lose Any Voters’”. National Public Radio, The Two-Way, January 23, 2016.
https://npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2016/01/23/464129029/donald-trump-i-could-shoot-somebody-and-i-wouldnt-lose-any-voters

Glenn Kessler, Salvador Rizzo & Meg Kelly. “Trump’s false or misleading claims total 30,573 over 4 years”. Washington Post, January 24, 2021.
https://washingtonpost.com/politics/2021/01/24/trumps-false-or-misleading-claims-total-30573-over-four-years

Michael D. Shear & Julie Hirschfeld Davis. “Shoot Migrants Legs, Build Alligator Moat: Behind Trumps Ideas for Border”. New York Times, October 2, 2019.
https://nytimes.com/2019/10/01/us/politics/trump-border-wars.html

The 11th Hour. “’His superpower is his shamelessness’: A look at Trump’s crypto dinner” (interview with Salman Rushdie). MSNBC, May 22, 2025.
https://msnbc.com/11th-hour/watch/-his-superpower-is-his-shamelessness-a-look-at-trump-s-crypto-dinner-240173637966

Max Zahn. “What to know about Trump’s new tariffs on Canada”. ABC News, July 11, 2025.
https://abcnews.go.com/Business/trumps-new-tariffs-canada/story?id=123678621